- by Dan, "Inanimate Carbon" Rodden
I know – My mind went to the wrong place the first time I heard it, as well. That’s not what Thicknessgate is, though – Thicknessgate is the new ‘location database gate’ from last week or ‘receptiongate’ from when the phone was first released and the initial users had begun experiencing reception problems caused by touching the side of the phone.
No, ‘thicknessgate’ is just another uninteresting event in the saga that has made an inanimate object THE new A-list tabloid celebrity. The problem this causes is that all of the cases manufactured for the iPhone may not fit properly - which, frankly, boggles my mind given that the whole reason to desire a white iPhone anyway would be to show off the color.
Don’t panic, though – Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Product Marketing Phil Schiller came out of the woodwork to make sure everyone knew that this was just some speculation. This is a perfect opportunity for everyone interested enough to purchase a second iPhone 4 (one black, one white) so that they can find out for themselves!
Anyway, since this matter has been put to bed, let’s see if we can preemptively start marketing for future Apple-gates (…Christina will always be my favorite <3)
- TouchMegate – In Q1 of the year 2013, Apple mistakenly logged fingerprints incorrectly for swipe-access to your MobileMe account after the 2012 merge with the Social Security Administration, resulting in 1.5 million identities mistakenly switching and two-million false 1-click orders being placed with Papa John’s via their integrated app.
- Resolution: Apple managed to find the problem in their algorithm and correct the database, but no one seemed to care whose life they were living as long as they were still holding their Apple device
- HatefulBirdsgate – After the Angry Birds were officially upgraded to the Hateful and Spiteful Birds when Roxio programmed in self-awareness (Q3 2015), they began maliciously stealing and selling personal data from the phones to support a growing addiction to the recently legalized online gambling.
- Resolution: The Hateful and Spiteful birds were forever banished from iTunes to the Android market, where advertising revenue kept them going in online poker tournaments indefinitely.
- RoboJobsgate – In the year 2021, seven years after Steve Jobs’ head was surgically installed on a system of inter-connected iPad3s fashioned in a humanoid-shape, RoboJobs accidentally triggered the self-destruction of all Apple hardware when sending a message to his yacht-club because the auto-correct changed a fat-fingered ‘drapes’ to ‘destroy.’
- Resolution: Robojobs took a medical leave of absence to have new slimmer fingers fashioned, and the terrible auto-correct was disabled by default (much to the chagrin of 15 years worth of users).
(Photo via Engadget)